Horoscopes for the week starting 27th February 2006:
Aries March 21-April 19
On Tuesday you may have pasta. Usually, you make too much pasta, but be careful that this week you don’t overcompensate and make too little.
Taurus April 20-May 20
If it rains, take an umbrella with you to prevent you getting too wet, particularly on Thursday.
Gemini May 21-June 21
All Gemini’s have an evil twin in a parallel universe. Make sure you don’t ‘do a Star Trek’ this week and cross over into that universe or all your friends here will be really upset.
Cancer June 22-July 22
Many people think you should lighten up, but believe me when I say that putting a sign above your desk saying “You don’t have to be made to work here, but it helps” isn’t going to fool anybody.
Leo July 23-August 22
You may have difficulty distinguishing Marxists from Fascists this week which is a common problem. Try not to elect any state premiers on Tuesday.
Virgo August 23-September 22
You may inherit a profitable chocolate empire this week, just make sure you don’t eat the profits.
Libra September 23-October 22
Make sure your computer antivirus is up-to-date this week and don’t open any dodgy attachments, or look at dubious web pages with horoscopes. Ooops, too late…
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
It’s one of those weeks where the toast pops up either slightly too early or slightly too late. You may also have trouble getting the shower to exactly the right temperature.
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
You may be especially depressed about your starsign sounding a little bit like an Italian meal this week. Try resolving the issue once and for all by writing to Sainsbury’s asking them to produce centaur shaped spaghetti.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
You’ll lose faith in horoscopes this week so there’s no real point in me writing anything. Come back next week when you’ve seen the error of your ways.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
You’ve no more birthdays this year, and Christmas is ten months away. Bummer. At least the clocks are changing soon.
Pisces February 19-March 20
If it hasn’t just been your birthday, it will be during the next three weeks or so. Now go and tell your friends how you’ve found the most uncannily accurate horoscopes ever.