Horoscopes for the week starting 6th March 2006:
Aries March 21-April 19
On Wednesday, most of the cashpoints along the high street will have been vandalised overnight, so make sure you get enough money out on Tuesday. (Assuming the other star signs don’t read this and empty the cash machines first.)
Taurus April 20-May 20
Not all that glitters is made of gold; some things glitter just because they’ve had some glitter dropped on them. This will be a particularly bad week if you are Gary Glitter (birthday: 8th May).
Gemini May 21-June 21
Make sure you check your change before you leave the newsagents as mistakes cannot always be rectified once you have left the cashier.
Cancer June 22-July 22
Try not to spend too much time resolving the conflicting messages of the sayings “Fools rush in where angels fear to tread” and “Fortune favours the brave”. Instead, find inspiration from Nike: “Just do it”.
Leo July 23-August 22
Leo may be king of the jungle, but can what sort of creature is king of an urban jungle, and are you that creature? Oooh, profound. (If you do live in a real jungle, just be yourself.)
Virgo August 23-September 22
If you know a few Germans called Hans and have a broken light fitting, this could be an ideal time to put them to use. Remember: many Hans make light work.
Libra September 23-October 22
Try not to spend too much time resolving the conflicting messages of the sayings “A bird in the hand is worth two in the Bush” and “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”. Instead, take inspiration from financial small print: “The value of investments may go down as well as up.”
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Try not to get out of bed on the wrong side this week, especially if your bed is next to a wall or a lion pit.
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
Try not to get on the wrong side of anyone this week, especially if they’re standing on the edge of a platform and there’s a train coming.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
You noticed that Capricorn One was on telly the other night. What a good film that was. Next time, why not watch it to learn where the entire Capricorn race came from.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
Remember the song “The age of Aquarius”. Well, unfortunately you won’t be able to get a free honorary copy, so don’t bother asking in HMV.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Try not to watch too many cowboy films this week. This won’t badly affect your week but it’s generally a bit of a waste of time, unless it’s a good one.