Horoscopes for the week starting Monday 13th March 2006:
Aries March 21-April 19
On Friday you’ll be thinking about taking a cheap city break. Thoughts of Paris will make you wonder why they didn’t realise how much of a laughing stock they would be when they built the Blackpool Tower.
Taurus April 20-May 20
Try not to sleep with your mouth open this week as it’s an open invite to the spiders in your bedroom. Maybe it’s best not to think about it. You may also have trouble sleeping now.
Gemini May 21-June 21
Don’t forget to watch ‘The Apprentice’ on BBC2 on Wednesday as everyone in the office will be talking about it on Thursday and you don’t want to be left out.
Cancer June 22-July 22
You may find your eyes change colour on Wednesday. This is quite unusual for anybody but it’s going to be especially weird if it really does happen to 1/12th of the world’s population.
Leo July 23-August 22
You’ll have a sneaking suspicion that somebody’s got it in for you this week. Never trust a sneaking suspicion as they are, by definition, sneaky. Only trust honest suspicions from now on.
Virgo August 23-September 22
Towards the end of the week you’ll have trouble getting really comfy on the sofa. Somehow, the cushions are just going to be all wrong but don’t worry as this won’t last much past Saturday.
Libra September 23-October 22
You’ve got a lot of work to do this week so probably shouldn’t be wasting the time by reading horoscopes. Although, if this advice makes any difference then maybe the time is well spent. Life’s full of contradictions like that.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
You’ll walk past at least three people in the street called Roger this week, although you won’t know who they are. Rogers are often like that.
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
You should vow not to do anything by halves this week, unless you’re a football player or work behind a bar or do any kind of job which requires accurate, equal subdivisions.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
Don’t let a door-to-door salesman convince you to change electricity supplier this week. It will only save about 20p per year and you’ll feel like a utility whore for switching so often and being pursuaded so easily.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
For the first half of the week Osiris will be your favourite Egyptian god, but in the second half of the week you’re likely to switch to Horus. Worshipping Ra is just to mainstream for the independent thinking Aquarian.
Pisces February 19-March 20
On Wednesday you’ll go to work and for some reason think it’s Thursday. When someone reminds you it isn’t try not to act too disappointed, especially if your boss is around. On the bright side, ‘The Apprentice’ is on BBC tonight.