Horoscopes for the week starting Monday 27th March 2006:
Aries March 21-April 19
On Thursday you may have a strange deja vu experience involving a bag of Walkers crisps. This kind of thing never used to happen with Golden Wonder. Those were the days.
Taurus April 20-May 20
Did you remember the clocks went forward on Saturday night or did you come into work an hour late this morning like a complete Muppet? I think we both know the answer to that.
Gemini May 21-June 21
If you’re near the South Pole this week you better watch out for the hole in the ozone layer. If you’re not careful, you’ll fall through it and out of the bottom of the planet.
Cancer June 22-July 22
Try to learn a new word each day this week, but rather than learning an obscure one make it a really obvious one that everyone else knows but you’ve never quite picked up because you’re a bit thick.
Leo July 23-August 22
Leo’s who work in big organisations this week will thrive. It’s not a week to be an individual, it’s a week to be a worker ant as part of a hive mind. However, if you start to grow an exoskeleton and carrying sugar around you’ve taken this too far.
Virgo August 23-September 22
You should avoid going out this week if you think you’ve got a cracked rib. It’s just asking for trouble. And yes, I mean you.
Libra September 23-October 22
Try making something nice out of crepe paper this week, and try not to wonder why crepe paper isn’t made of pancakes.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
They say curiosity killed the cat but that’s no reason to sit in your back bedroom window with an air rifle waiting for one to nose around your garden.
Sagittarius November 22-December 21
On Wednesday you’ll see a cloud that looks a lot like an animal, but no-one else will be able to see it. And then you’ll see an animal that looks like a cloud. That’s a sheep.
Capricorn December 22-January 19
Nothing’s going to happen to you this week. You will just be an innocent bystander in the play of life, which isn’t too bad as you could do with the break.
Aquarius January 20-February 18
You finished the last of your birthday cake last week, which is a bit of a blow. You’ll need to find a new snack to tide you over until lunch.
Pisces February 19-March 20
Although you may well find work a struggle this week, try not to punch anyone. I know it’s hard but it really won’t do any good. If this advice doesn’t get through, then the stars show you looking for a new job in the near future.